Shhhhh....I thought I heard something...

Searching for traditional ballads and feeling a bit confused. I can't really talk to anyone about it. Wait. Let me rephrase that. I don't WANT to talk to anyone about it. Fact. Because if I do, I'll be more convinced that I'm wrong. Or maybe not. But I'm sick of taking risks. I'm not the only one, but is it a disease? Is it a mental illness? Can I control it? Will it control me in time? I'm losing my personality in these situations, I'm scared, I'm sick of it, I don't want to react to them anymore. Who understands or BELIEVES a woman anyway? We're weak, "crazy", hysterical, complicated. None of us even has the right to call themselves "normal". But what the fuck IS normal? Please, take your head out of your anus and take a look at yourself. You're just a distorted projection of everything you call crazy. I'm not really addressing this to a specific person, but to lots of people... who just make insecure people feel suicidal. No, don't worry, I don't intend to kill myself even though I'm mostly depressed and I don't really see a future for myself. Is this another weird phase again? Have I ever had something like this? Probably all the time. And it was always because of someone. I don't want to fight anymore, but it's risky to completely give up. What will happen to me? I need my friends. I need my family. I hate being a woman, I hate the way I look, maybe I found the cure.....
He's nice and does things for me, you know...and that's what makes everything so hard. I'm the parasite...the fucking leech that won't go away and I'm too ashamed to go see a therapist.