Ma simt ATAT de goala pe dinauntru

Ma gandeam putin mai devreme ca nu mai gasesc rostul vietii. Vietii mele, adica. Trecusem printr-un moment din acela ORIBIL, in care pur si simplu nu poti gasi absolut niciun motiv pentru care ar mai avea rost sa traiesti. Nu spun ca mi-a trecut complet, in continuare ma simt rupta in bucatele si buna de aruncat la gunoi dar macar mi-am amintit ca merita sa traiesti pentru a vedea macar o parte din frumusetile lumii. Atat deocamdata. Cat de ciudat. Credeam ca ajungi sa te simti asa dupa o serie de experiente neplacute si nu dupa o faza scurta si confuza. Sau poate s-au adunat mai multe incet, incet, iar eu nu mi-am dat seama cat de rau o duceam de fapt. Habar n-am. Nu mai pot. Am iesit putin afara si nu puteam sa merg normal si parca imi era frica de oameni, eram paranoica. Sunt un monstru. Imi fac mie rau si le fac si celorlalti rau. Indiferent ce as face. Se inrautateste cu varsta. Totul devine din ce in ce mai negru si oamenii incep sa fie dezamagiti de tine. As vrea sa fiu o piatra de râu.

"One or two is early enough for a person who lies till ten" --NOT

A person who has not done one half his day's work by ten o'clock runs a chance of leaving the other half undone

My favourite quotes from The Picture of Dorian Gray

(...)the worst of having a romance of any kind is that it leaves one so unromantic.

Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul.

Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic. Worlds had to be in travail, that the meanest flower might blow...

(...)I would suggest that we should appeal to Science to put us straight. The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray, and the advantage of Science is that it is not emotional.

To get back one's youth, one has merely to repeat one's follies.

Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes.

Nowadays people know the price of everything, and the value of nothing.

A grande passion is the privilege of people who have nothing to do.

There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.

People are very fond of giving away what they need most themselves.

To see him is to worship him, to know him is to trust him. (Sybil Vane about Dorian Gray)

'Describe us as a sex,' was her challenge.
'Sphinxes without secrets.'

Hunger Point (watch it! it ruined my life)

I just neeeeeeed to lose 5 kg!!! But I can't stop being lazy!! And what's worse is that in the past few days I've been totally ignorant about the way I look. I mean I didn't look in the mirror to see if I appeared to be fat. And I always do that!!! I don't want to go back to how I used to be in my 1st year here, not caring about my body and what I eat, because I will end up becoming a true psycho like I am right now. I really don't care how many mistakes I make in this blog entry and how many sentences start with "I". Even though I constantly think that I'm fat(It's just a fact for me. I do want to change it but I know that whatever I'll do , this is the way I'll always look if I want to be normal. It's just the way I am. This is my natural form.) I sometimes look in the mirror and see that ACTUALLY I'm not fat at all. Of course, I'm not as skinny as those anorexic celebrities, but in the normal world, I'm average to thin. I mean I have a BMI of 19.9!!! And normal is between 19 and 25 so come on! I'm pretty ok.

Why do I want to be thin? What is wrong? What happened all of a sudden? What triggered all this madness? I know what did, but it's silly...It was JUST A MOVIE!!(Hunger Point) OMG, I can't believe it's been uploaded on Youtube. I feel like crying. I'm going to watch it now.....It's been 3 years since the first time I've seen it. It made such a great impact on my mind!!! It's absurd! I was fascinated with what was happening there. I didn't really understand the whole not eating thing and I didn't know who ED was. Everyone had a diary dedicated to "him"....and those pro ana sites...When I came home (I was in Horezu at that time) I googled "pro ana" and I found some sites...it was soooo disturbing. I had chills running down my spine while I was watching those horrifying pictures of BONES and rotting skin. I found all of this repulsive and silly and with absolutely NO SENSE. I didn't get it. But slowly, I started seeing the beauty in it..it's like a bloody virus or something. It's like cigarettes. You hate them at first, but then if you try and try, you can accept them and then they eat you alive. It's exactly like smoking. You know it's unhealthy from the start, but you still do it. You don't get addicted from the very beginning, so why do you keep on going and trying to BECOME that way? Tell me, please, because I can't find an explanation. No. Don't tell me. I already know. It's in our nature anyway. I won't go into detail.

I never got to my goal weight. I'm so disappointed. But I will. You'll all going to see me in August and I'll be dashing. I'll be slender and 10 times more feminine because of that.

Toddles

What's been bothering me lately

This WILL sound silly. I'm warning you.

Alright, so you all probably know that I've been developing some sort of general hate and feeling of disgust towards men for a while now. And I know that it's just a phase. It will all get back to normal one day. Until then, I must explain what this is all about and what's happening in my feeble brain.
Even though the relationship between men and women has drastically changed in the past 100 years, I'm not sure it's better... Women babble more these days(they used to do that back then as well, but now they do it in front of men too!) and I'm POSITIVE that 99% of the straight men out there don't really want to listen to our inner problems, for they can't understand them, or they simply don't feel the need to do so. I think I would like to live in a world that resembles the interwar period. Good music, good manners, chic clothes, elegant way of speaking and general classiness.
Yes, I know that some men used to cheat on their wives back then too. And that some women used to have affairs with other men. But there was more respect in the air somehow. I don't know. I'm sure I could be convinced that I'm totally wrong. I just feel that I don't belong anywhere and everything makes me sick. Especially thinking about men and their idiotic needs. And don't you DARE say that women have these needs as often and as intense as you do, because that might be true, but only in the world of prostitution and females with hormonal problems.

It's tiring but I can't help myself. Everytime I see an interesting guy, after a few seconds some strange little person appears from out of nowhere and whispers into my ear "Don't be fooled by his appearance, he's a jerk like all the others. If he'd get to know you, he'd only want you as a notch in his bedpost." and I start feeling nauseous and having a panic attack(hmm although I think that one of its symptoms is nausea). When I'm thinking about famous persons, actors for example, I don't see them the same way because I only see their talent. Sure, I'm sometimes saying to myself "Oh, GOD! He's gorgeous!! I'd do him" (of course, I WOULDN'T! I'm frigid right now) but I ...oh, I don't know....I have the impression that most of my favourite actors have pure souls and believe in true love and all those silly little NON EXISTENT facts that so often appear in bed time stories.

It's a never ending conflict with reality and no one will surrender. Reality won't accept your childish dreams and you won't accept all its gruesome sides.

The conclusion?

I should probably occupy my time with lots of things that will spare me from thinking about my innerself.

Toodles!