I just neeeeeeed to lose 5 kg!!! But I can't stop being lazy!! And what's worse is that in the past few days I've been totally ignorant about the way I look. I mean I didn't look in the mirror to see if I appeared to be fat. And I always do that!!! I don't want to go back to how I used to be in my 1st year here, not caring about my body and what I eat, because I will end up becoming a true psycho like I am right now. I really don't care how many mistakes I make in this blog entry and how many sentences start with "I". Even though I constantly think that I'm fat(It's just a fact for me. I do want to change it but I know that whatever I'll do , this is the way I'll always look if I want to be normal. It's just the way I am. This is my natural form.) I sometimes look in the mirror and see that ACTUALLY I'm not fat at all. Of course, I'm not as skinny as those anorexic celebrities, but in the normal world, I'm average to thin. I mean I have a BMI of 19.9!!! And normal is between 19 and 25 so come on! I'm pretty ok.
Why do I want to be thin? What is wrong? What happened all of a sudden? What triggered all this madness? I know what did, but it's silly...It was JUST A MOVIE!!(Hunger Point) OMG, I can't believe it's been uploaded on Youtube. I feel like crying. I'm going to watch it now.....It's been 3 years since the first time I've seen it. It made such a great impact on my mind!!! It's absurd! I was fascinated with what was happening there. I didn't really understand the whole not eating thing and I didn't know who ED was. Everyone had a diary dedicated to "him"....and those pro ana sites...When I came home (I was in Horezu at that time) I googled "pro ana" and I found some sites...it was soooo disturbing. I had chills running down my spine while I was watching those horrifying pictures of BONES and rotting skin. I found all of this repulsive and silly and with absolutely NO SENSE. I didn't get it. But slowly, I started seeing the beauty in it..it's like a bloody virus or something. It's like cigarettes. You hate them at first, but then if you try and try, you can accept them and then they eat you alive. It's exactly like smoking. You know it's unhealthy from the start, but you still do it. You don't get addicted from the very beginning, so why do you keep on going and trying to BECOME that way? Tell me, please, because I can't find an explanation. No. Don't tell me. I already know. It's in our nature anyway. I won't go into detail.
I never got to my goal weight. I'm so disappointed. But I will. You'll all going to see me in August and I'll be dashing. I'll be slender and 10 times more feminine because of that.
Toddles
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