In Romania 7

How can I not be semi-depressed, when my dad tells me that every choice I made by myself in my life was wrong and that mom and him shouldn't have listened to me. And that I could be thinner and all that BULLSHIT that just eats me to the core. I don't know if he WANTS me to feel so horrible or if he just doesn't notice the effect it has on me. 'Cause after 10 minutes he starts making jokes and completely forgets about what he said before, while I'm dying a little inside. Lost 4 kg in these 2 weeks. I hate food, I hate anything that can make my body healthier. I just want to disappear.

"No one should listen to you." I can't take this anymore. I feel like screaming. I didn't see all this so complicated. Everything had a good end. I try this, it doesn't work out well, it's ok, I'll just try something else. It shouldn't be the end of the world. But the way he SAYS it...it really breaks my heart. I just...I want to go back to Düsseldorf. I like being alone sometimes. I need that right now. Actually I don't want to be alone. I just don't want to be with my parents. Apart from the mean things my dad sometimes tells me, I know that my mom is worried because of the life I'm living atm. Oh well, fuck it :).

I have to go meet my friend at her workplace. A little distraction is EXACTLY what I need right now. But I'm still so tired. I've slept 13 hours since yesterday. That's too much. Like I said. I'm pretty much fucked up right now. And for NO GOOD REASON at ALL.

I don't know what to say. I have my happy moments in between but then I start worrying about them too! Damn it :). It will all work out well in the end though, I'm sure. No one has ever died from things like these before. My body is still trying to fix itself from those stupid antibiotics. And the lack of sleep. And alcohol. And cigarettes. Yeah. So...


xoxo